The Conundrum of Right Livelihood: Getting Out of the Rabbit Hole, Introduction

This series of posts stems from a chat I had with a friend about finding *right livelihood and the lack of self-help gurus who address the middle place, also known as limbo, or as I like to call it, the Professional Rabbit Hole. This is the place where I seem to have fallen, career-wise, and I’m not finding satisfactory help or reading  material on this issue. The goal of this series is to document my process from being employed in an unsatisfactory job (my current situation) to finding a job and employer I love and/or fruitful self-employment. My hopes: these writings will help me, and maybe others, who are feeling particularly stuck career-wise. Here is a little background on how I got here—maybe you can relate:

I have 30+ years of work and volunteer experience, a bachelor’s degree, a certificate from the Leadership for a Sustainable Future program, and have been self-employed. I’ve worked hard, long hours, skipped lunches, waived overtime, shown up sick, all of it. However, as an employee, I have found a lack of professional growth opportunities. I can’t get the experience I need to move beyond barely-above-entry-level, and management doesn’t support upward mobility. I also can’t get promoted. In my current job as a civil servant, I cannot work above my job class to get needed experience. However, I can be given plenty of assignments that are at least one or two steps below my classification, which keeps me stuck on the employment carousel. In the three years I’ve worked for local government, I’ve become jaded and frustrated with the entire system. Management is incompetent and nasty at times, and they make up the rules as they go. Meaningful leadership is generally lacking. The work itself is boring—as an administrative aide, I’m using skills I developed 20-30 years ago. The “foot in the door” is a myth—there is no where to go, and most departments either promote from within, have highly specific requirements for the job, and/or prefer to hire from the outside. Government, for me, has been a dead-end. The non-profit and academic sectors aren’t much better.

Given my work situation, I’m looking for other opportunities. However, searches at Idealist and Indeed lead me to dread and overwhelm. Jobs that look interesting are:

1. Located in an expensive area to live without appropriate compensation;
2. Want three employees for the price of one; and/or
3. Are looking for experience that I don’t have because I can’t get it in my current position.

All other jobs pay $10+/hour less than what I’m making now, and are at an even lower level than I’m working currently. I also seem to either sort through hundreds of jobs, or have a list of three (is there any in between, anywhere?). Finding a job that’s a good fit looks grim.

That’s my struggle of finding a job and employer I enjoy, while making enough money to survive. The other struggle is finding the right “help.” I’ve gone to JobLink, participated in workshops, talked with career counselors, taken the MBTI^® and Strong Interest Inventory^® tests. I took a couple of online classes in Project Management (but can’t get experience using what I’ve learned). Over the years, I’ve used a plethora of tools developed by a variety of self-help gurus. Many have helped me spiritually and creatively. A lot of them teach self-love as a way of moving forward and getting what you want out of life—but I already love myself. That’s not to say that they aren’t useful—they just don’t seem to address my particular situation. The help I find in this genre for careers is one of three categories:

1. Ground-zero for people who don’t know who they are or what they want; 
2. Entrepreneurs who already have a business and want to grow it; or
3. Successful business owners who want to take their work international.

There doesn’t seem to be anything in between. I have yet to find the book, So, You’re Stuck in this Wonky Professional Place of Neither Here nor There, Are Educated and Skilled, Know Who You Are and What You Want, but Can’t Get From Point A to Point B to Point C—Here’s What to Do About It. 

That’s where I am, in the middle—the rabbit hole—not so far down that I can’t see the light, but not out in the sun, either.

*I'm defining right livelihood as work I love that serves a higher good/bigger picture, effectively uses my skills and talents, provides a better-than-surviving wage, and where I am treated with respected. Right livelihood definitions may vary from person to person; and I reserve the right to tweak the definition for myself, as needed.

The Conundrum of Thanksgiving: why be grateful only one day a year?

To be honest, this isn’t a real conundrum for me. I do tend to express a daily gratitude on Facebook. I do this, in part, because I don’t need another journal to store. It also helps keep me honest—if I wasn’t writing blessings on FB, I’m not sure I’d write them down anywhere else. Plus, it provides me an opportunity to publicly thank and acknowledge others (there seems to be a lack of this in today’s world). And sometimes it seems to help others. So, it’s my chosen forum for expressing thanks. Most of the time, my posts are day-specific. Occasionally, my gratitude is broader, but not as often. So, in the spirit of the holiday, I thought I’d express my gratitude for the things that may get overlooked in my life because they aren’t “in my face.” Here’s my list (in no particular order)—and I encourage you to make your own:

Family: I don’t see them very often and some of these relationships are strained for a wide-variety of reasons. However, I love them and I’m glad they are the place from whence I sprang. If it wasn’t for my family, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I’m not perfect, but I’ve had a lot of growing opportunities through them.

Friends: My friendships have greatly changed throughout the years. There are only a few people with whom I can claim friendship with for more than 30 years. Most of my current relationships are a few years old, and the ones begun when I first returned to Sonoma County have died back. Many of my friends have come from work, others from LIFEE. Many have moved away to other states. Some of my best friendships have fallen apart completely and had to be let go. I can no longer claim to have a BFF; and because of this, I have had to learn to be my own best friend. It hasn’t been easy, but all of these prior and current friendships have helped me grow to a place where I don’t need “the one.” I miss many and sometimes still mourn the losses, but I wouldn’t give up any of the people who have come and stayed, or gone, from my life.

Kids: Being a mother has been about as hard as being a child, sibling, niece, and friend. My children have helped me feel fulfilled and provided me with opportunities to pick up myself after they knocked me down. They have also given me the option to grow fully into myself as a human being by distancing themselves from me due to them growing up and having their own paths. I loved watching my children grow and I love being a mom of adult children. I also love having an empty nest.

Home: As noted above, I am an empty-nester. I get to be me at home. The furniture is where I want it. I eat what I want. I don’t have to share the television. Everything about my home is about ME. This is the first time in my adult life where my space is truly and only mine. My current home isn’t ideal, but it’s currently perfectly mine—and it feels great.

Car: I’ve had my 2001 Saturn SL2 for over 15 years. I’m Sally’s only owner, I bought her new and she is creeping up to having 300K miles on her. She’s had a lot of work done over the last two years. We’ve been to Tucson and back a few times. Ventura and Mt. Shasta and back even more times. She’s gotten me to the river or lake for kayaking, and out to the coast for beach-combing. I’m not sure I can take her very far anymore, but she still gets me to work and around the County almost every day.

Food: If you don’t already know by now, I LOVE food, especially good food. And living in Sonoma County provides me with some of the best fresh, local produce, meat, seafood, and restaurants to be found. And I always feel abundant when I have food.

Water: The essence of life is water (yes, it’s cliché at this point, but it’s still true). I’m grateful I grew up on Mt. Shasta glacier water and artisan springs, and that I’ve lived in places where I can have well water. I also love to kayak, and without water, I would’t be able to. I’m also fond of regular bathing and cleaning. Thank you, water!

Firewood: This has been an off-and-on gratitude for years. I grew up with wood burning stoves and fireplaces, and now I rely on one for winter warmth. It’s not the ideal heat for the environment, but for my needs, it makes more sense than using a space heater, which uses a lot of electricity (thus energy, which is also harmful to the environment).

Nature: Whether it’s a plant growing up through a crack in the concrete or in a tree stump, groves of trees, fields of flowers, cacti-filled deserts, or hillsides covered in ice plant, I love it all and it continues to amaze me. I also acknowledge that I don’t spend nearly enough time outside of buildings (work and home), when Mother Earth can show off her gallery of delights. This planet of ours is INCREDIBLE and it’s a shame we don’t take better care of it and all the things it provides us with: food; water; clothing; places to swim, kayak, hike, ski, bike, ziplining; air; trees and flowers; animals of all kinds. I have a pretty good idea why Henry David Thoreau lived and wrote about Walden. Why Mary Oliver’s poetry is so beautiful and inspired. Why Terry Tempest Williams wrote so passionately about the National Parks. It makes me wonder why I’m not spending more time spending outside and writing about the wonders of a dandelion.

Free Speech: I love writing, debating, bantering, and conversing. I can’t imagine a world where I couldn’t do any of these. Working for government, I do feel I have to check myself at the office door, and I feel like I spend a little too much time overstepping boundaries. However, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut these days. Maybe this is part of how I can contribute. Maybe this is my answer to no longer being able to sit still and do nothing. Maybe it’s time I use my voice more regularly. The United State of America has a lot of problems… free speech isn’t one of them. Now, hate speech is another matter altogether. I don’t love it, but it does provide me with knowing my enemies and the enemies of my loved ones. There is power in that knowing, and allows for the dialogue to continue.

Books: Strongly tied to free speech is books. I started reading at 4 and books have gotten me through life pretty steadily. They educate, entertain, take me to new worlds, inspire me to write and be a better person, tell me how to cook and bake. I can’t fathom a world without books and I don’t know if I’d still be alive without them.

Everything not mentioned: I could go on about technology (I am writing on a laptop, after all), civil rights’ strides, knowledge, education, libraries, art, spirituality, modern conveniences, but I have to stop somewhere. Most people are unlikely to read this far—hell, most people are unlikely to read this at all—and I need to get in the shower. However, there is a lot to be grateful for on this planet, in our daily lives, whether we notice any of it or not. So I try to make everyday thanksgiving—one day a year isn’t enough.

The Conundrum of a Trump Election: or, staying heart-centered amidst fear and loathing

Two weeks ago, a rather heinous and contentious presidential election ended when a man, that one could arguably call fascist and nationalist, was voted into the highest office we have in the United States of America. Every side seems to have a strong opinion about Donald Trump winning the election. One group feels vindicated and has becoming openly hostile and bigoted. Their hatred for anyone not like them has been approved and political correctness hasn’t just fallen by the wayside—it’s been napalmed. Another group can’t understand how this has happened and insist that since Hillary Rodham Clinton won the popular vote, she should get the electoral votes as well. However, there is in-fighting as some feminists insist that not all women are created equal and should not have an equal say. I suspect that some of these people also (not so) secretly blame Bernie Sanders supporters. Another group seems to vacillate between horror and blame. It’s the DNC’s fault, Clinton’s fault, if we had just listened and voted for Bernie none of this would have happened. And then there is another group, sitting quietly, confused, trying to regroup, and voiceless shouting, “Just. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. All of you.” I’m not sure anyone is having a good time, including the victors, who seem to be busy throwing temper tantrums because entertainers hurt their feelings. 

Then again, there are a lot of us in this country that haven’t been having a good time for years. People who have been out of work and unable to become employed. They don’t know how or if they can fill the refrigerator and pantry, or if they can keep their home—or have any home to live in. There are others worrying about deportation and/or hate-crimes. Some feel “Othered,” even more so than before. All of these people, regardless of who they voted for, are worried about their survival. All of us, regardless of political ideology, are fearful. Survival and fear are a common denominators amongst humans—it gives us a thread to each other. That’s not to excuse the vitriol, the shaming and blaming, the further denigration of the denigrated. No matter how scared or worried about survival we are, were are not given the privilege or the right to hurt others. However, most of us are not at our best when we don’t know what’s going to become of ourselves and our families. Coherent thought usually dissipates at some point in the disenfranchisement. Especially when someone tells us what we want to hear, even if it doesn’t make sense. Because, at the end of the day, all any of us wants to hear is that it’s going to be okay, and that someone is going to make it better. Especially when we have tried to make it better, but nothing seems to be working.

I’m not going to suggest turning the other cheek, loving your neighbor, holding compassion for the less fortunate. However, we do need to remember that regardless of how hateful, bitter and resentful others are acting, that we are part of the same species. And that we, too, have been hateful, bitter, resentful. And we need to let all of that go. But for today, we need to tend to our own rawness and woundedness. Find our own unconditional love and compassion. And then take a baby step or two away from fear. And eventually, let love, instead of fear, be our common thread.

The Conundrum of the World Today: Sunday, June 26, 2016

I have felt sick for the last week. Nothing too debilitating, but unwell. Tired, headachy, stomachachy, bodyachy, bloaty, no meaningful appetite. My heart, head and body feel heavy. Too heavy. And today I wondered why I wasn’t feeling any better. Then I realized, I’m feeling the weight of the world. It doesn’t feel good. There is introverted-empath me who wants to shut off the computer, throw away the phone, delete the Facebook profile, take the cats, and go live amongst the trees and streams. And then there is the writer-activist me who says, “Why aren’t you saying anything?” Today, the writer-me won, so I’m saying something about why I feel so itchy-scratchy.

Here is the world today, as I see it:

June 12, 49 people were killed and 53 were injured by a loan gunman in Orlando. 

My daughter tells me that she has to be careful of where she goes to school and that so do her friends. She has told me that if I were to move to the south, she would never visit. I would like to tell my daughter and her friends that their sexual preferences, gender and race really don’t matter in today’s world. I can’t, and it makes me sad to know that a man decided the LGBT community was an enemy. I’m glad my daughter and her friends decided to stay in California when they transferred to a four-year university. I’m glad they weren’t at Pulse. This event has sparked a lot of dialogue and vitriol around the Second Amendment.

June 23, the people of the United Kingdom, 52% to 48%, voted to leave the European Union. 

A country that has spent centuries colonizing the world is now claiming nationalism. People are scared, the stock markets are looking grim, and the U.K., for once, is the butt of the political jokes. The consequences of this decision are still to come, but British friends who live in other countries, thanks to the EU, are now worried that they will lose their homes and livelihoods. 

May 4, Donald Trump became the presidential nominee for the Republican Party.

I don’t know what to say here, because it boggles the mind. If he wins, the United States will again take its place as the country with the most idiots and we will, once again, be the butt of many a joke. I’m not sure if the people who support him care about that. I think most of them are nationalists. And if British politics are an indicator, well… Trump will be our 45th president.

June 12, Hilary Rodham Clinton became the presidential nominee for the Democratic Party.

HRC is the first women to win the nomination for a major political party in the U.S. It is, and should be, a momentous occasion for women. However, Clinton comes with a lot of baggage and there has been a lot of vitriol directed at her by Bernie Sanders supporters (some of whom are registered Democrats) and the Republicans. While we should be celebrating that a woman has made it this far, the Bernie Camp and Hilary Camp are still gnawing at each other’s throats. I don’t see this ending before 2017, if then.

None of these events, in and of themselves, are the entire cause of my fatigue. Work is fraught with problems of posturing, control, terrible morale, and being in a job and place not well-suited for me—or I it. My daughter is mostly snarky and snotty to me as a young adult, (she was an awesome teenager). I commute too many hours Monday through Friday. I worry about how I’m going to help Daniela pay for school while paying my student loans. I’m tired of not having enough time to do it all. I want to spend more time writing, kayaking and hiking, and less time running errands, cleaning house and going to a job I dislike. It all weighs on me. 

But really, what bothers me the most, is people. I’ve seen a lot of unhealthy behavior for months and there seems to be an inherent meanness, rudeness and inability to just shut. the. fuck. up. 

Friends, who should be on the same side politically, are pointing fingers, calling each other names, and slamming the other’s presidential candidate choice. Friends, who are good human beings and working to make the world a better place, are adamant that everyone should have the right to own semi-automatic weapons. Other friends, who are equally good and working equally hard to improve the world, feel that gun reform is absolutely necessary. I’m pretty sure that all these people would like world peace, climate change to repair itself, the United States to regain some of its health and strength as a country. I’m pretty sure none of them want to see or hear about any more mass shootings, the destruction of bees, the loss of potable water, and possibly the 2016 Presidential Election. And yet I watch and listen to all these good people talk down to each other, and no one stops to listen. 

Why am I wrong? Why are you right? Why is your candidate better? Why do you support the Right to Bear Arms, as is? What would you put in place of the Second Amendment? Why do you hate people who are different than you? Do you hate all of them or just some of them? What do you love about this insane world of ours? What are your hopes and dreams? What are your hopes for your children and grandchildren? Do you care about our planet? Do you care about yourself?

We aren’t asking these questions of one another. Instead, we are speaking with fear in our hearts. Fear of a lot of unknowns. Our world is scary and uncertain. At the rate we are going as a species, our time on this planet is running out. Our country seems to be spinning out of control. And yet, at the same time as Pulse, Trump, Clinton, Sanders, and Guns, Pope Francis is saying that the Roman Catholic Church and Christians should apologize and ask for forgiveness of those it has discriminated against. It’s remarkable! He speaks without fear. Or maybe he speaks in spite of it. I don’t know. 

I don’t have an answer for the conundrum of fear. I don’t have answers to anything these days, I just know that I am weary of it all. 

Yet, here’s what I do know: If we, as a species, continue to roam Earth with fear, we will stop existing; Friendships are being divided because of fear that comes in the form of racism, bigotry and the need to be right; “United we stand, divided we fall” is something we should be pondering now, not just in this country, but globally; And if we live with a little more love and a little less fear, we might have a chance of making our daily lives better, keeping our friendships, and remembering that regardless of anything else, we are in this together.