I've been pondering this ever since I saw the post. So, I'm
going to try a little tough love with a whole lot of compassion. I'm also going
to say that from experience, I know how hard it is to let go. That being said,
here's a conceit, otherwise known as an extended metaphor...
Would you hold onto a hot ember? And if so, how long would you
be willing to hold onto it? And what would you say to your children if they
wanted to hold one in their hands? Chances are you are going to tell your
children, "no," and rightfully so. Holding onto an ember is going to
burn the hand holding it. The longer it's held, the more damage it does and the
longer it takes the wound to heal. Now, you might be able to hold it until it
dies out, but what will be left of your hand? Chances are it will be damaged
beyond repair.
Holding onto something you shouldn't is holding onto a piece of
white-hot coal. It continues to hurt you, even if your ego thinks it's
protecting you from something worse. Not letting go doesn't really hurt anyone
but you. Granted, losing a hand means holding only one of your children's hands
instead of one in each, which might hurt them or make them sad. It'll make
picking up them more challenging, and some point, impossible (kids grow fast =
get heavy fast). Your kids might even get angry or resentful that you held onto
that ember because it reduced what you can do for them. And that's going to
cause more pain. See where this is going? Holding onto pain, anger, whatever,
is cyclical. Mostly, it taints your life, but it does reverb out.
So, my question to you: why is it worth it to hold on when all
you have to do is open your hand and let the coal drop from your hand back into
the fireplace?
And yes, I know how hard it is. And yes, I've done it. Therapy,
meditation, spirituality have helped. But really, all you have to do, as simple
as this sounds, is forgive yourself. Don't focus on forgiving the
transgressor(s), because that person/people aren't the real issue. Being angry
with yourself for not protecting, letting it happen, whatever, that's the
ember. And if you can let go of the guilt, rage, helplessness, and all the
rest, you can forgive yourself. Once you do that, forgiving others starts to
become easy, or really, a non-issue. This is just one answer. There are
probably many. But saying, "I don't know how" is pretty much saying,
"I don't want to." And once you are really ready to let go, you'll know how and the coal will be ash.
I don't know that this will help, especially if you don't want
to hear it, but I hope it does. Sending love and compassion to all of us that
struggle with this issue.
